Dr Nashater Deu Solheim, CEO at Progressing Minds, Author, TEDx Speaker, and HBR contributor. Deu Solheim is also a trained psychologist and has worked in both clinical and forensic environments, with previous casework including inmates in maximum security units, military personnel with post-traumatic stress disorder, and psychiatric cases.
She now works with leaders, teaching them what she has learned about communication. While the link between maximum security and the C-suite may not seem immediately obvious, Deu Solheim’s work is about relationships, and how they can be successful, even with people who are resistant to that relationship. She has included some of her experiences and tips in her first book, The Leadership PIN code: Unlocking the Key to Willing and Winning Relationships.
And the key to her learning is the ABC of relationships: Advance preparation, Body language, and Conversation.
A, B and C wooden blocks
Prepare from the other party’s perspective
Advance preparation is vital for any negotiation. But Deu Solheim points out that, too often, people make the mistake of preparing from their own perspective. In short, they think about how they would be persuaded, not what persuades the other person.
“I sit with leaders, and they’re given a mandate. And they’ll run into the conversation, ‘what I need is,’ ‘let me tell you about what I’m working with,’ ‘let me tell you about what I need support for,’” explains Deu Solheim. The problem is that by focusing on their own perspectives and needs, they fail to consider the perspectives and needs of the other party.
By preparing from the other party’s perspective, it lays the ground for opening up the relationship. It means that the negotiation takes place on common ground where more is possible. Deu Solheim suggests that some of their first questions a negotiator should ask include questions like, “Why should they listen to me? Why should they be interested in supporting it?”
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Get body language right
There are countless myths shared about body language. While some of the more grandiose claims need a pinch of salt, as we’ve discovered with remote working, body language is a vital component of how we communicate. And it can be a problem if our body language does not align with our message, either by distracting from it or even appearing to contradict our intent.
Deu Solheim suggests getting feedback from other people, asking them to specifically consider the messages you give through your body language. This might include things like facial expressions or the use of hand movements while talking.
She also highlights the need to be open about the feedback you receive. Often, those that can give feedback might not be the best placed because of their relationship, either as a family member or subordinate staff member. “When people are commenting on our body language, it’s about you and means giving very personal feedback.” Some people can be almost fearful of providing it.
Deu Solheim suggests setting the parameters for the feedback, for example asking specifically about facial expressions or use of space, effectively giving permission to discuss these personal topics. And, when the feedback is given, be careful to accept it gracefully. “It’s easy to launch into a defensive explanation,” she explains. “We coach leaders to say, ‘Thank you, I accept the feedback and will reflect on it,’ even when they are feeling a little sensitive.”
Having constructive conversations
We don’t often think about how we have conversations. And when we do, we often think they are about sharing information and, therefore, asking questions. However, Deu Solheim warns against this.
Deu Solheim warns against using the ‘why’ question. The reason is that, in work environments, there is a tendency to reach for the question as soon as things go wrong: why wasn’t something on time, why did things not work as planned, why did that happen? The consequence is to immediately create a defensive discussion.
Instead, questions should be framed to uncover information. The distinction can be subtle, since the ultimate intent in the conversation may be the same, but by avoiding questions that might seem accusatory or confrontational it can make the conversation much more productive.
“Simple curiosity can make an enormous difference to how we phrase our questions, and how we invite people to join us sharing information,” says Deu Solheim. Instead of having how or why, inviting someone to go through the process produces richer results. “Even when it’s a difficult conversation, you’re avoiding blame and inviting the other person to join you in an exploration.”
Easy as 123
Using an ABC may seem simplistic, but that’s the point! In the heat of the moment of a difficult conversation or negotiation, tapping into your memories isn’t the most easiest thing in the world.
But we can always remember an ABC. And advance preparation, being mindful of our body language, and careful in our conversation are basic things we can do to make sure our conversations are always productive.
